Hey keys, now having your home raided by the FBI and getting arrested is just a click away! Add illegal hyperlinks to the exponentially-increasing multitude of dangers to avoid in our modern world:
The FBI has recently adopted a novel investigative technique: posting hyperlinks that purport to be illegal videos of minors having sex, and then raiding the homes of anyone willing to click on them. [...]
Federal agents knocked on the door around 7 a.m., falsely claiming they wanted to talk to Vosburgh about his car. Once he opened the door, they threw him to the ground outside his house and handcuffed him.
It’s been quite a frightening week, but this is still the scariest thing I’ve read in a while. It’s more upsetting than knowing thieves can hack RFID credit cards for $8. It’s more distressing than Verizon giving the government direct access to all customer’s mobile voice calls, text messages, and physical location data. It’s even worse than Comcast being able to watch you through cameras they’re putting into their cable boxes. Why? Precedent is so important, and given that the government doesn’t even understand what the Internet is, they are in absolutely no position to be criminalizing it. I’m not defending child pornography, but the Internet browsing I do in my own home is absolutely none of the FBI’s business. Clicking on a hyperlink should never be considered a crime, and it should never cause authority figures to show up at your door, grab you, throw you in a van, and haul you off to jail… or worse. What’s to stop them from extending the illegal hyperlinks baiting beyond porn?
I’m so glad that the government will be able to pair this technique with the Patriot Act to keep America safe from all those ordinary people terrorists searching the Internets for “weapons” and “drugs” (nevermind they were actually looking for “history of Japanese weapons” and “cancer drugs and treatment options”). Of course, the private sector and their lobbying showboat wouldn’t miss the party, either; nothing would please the RIAA or MPAA more than having armed officers dispatched to your door for attempting to download music or movies online. Ah, freedom! Don’t you feel better already? 
Hey everyone, things in the cellphone industry are finally moving in the right direction for consumers… unless you’re in Finland. The Finnish Road Administration is testing a system that requires sending a text message to unlock roadside bathrooms in an effort to curb vandalism at the rest areas. We all know that poor people without a cellphone don’t ever need to pee, and that people who do have a cellphone can just hold it in if the battery is dead, so this should work out great!
Anyway… In November, T-Mobile and Sprint announced plans to join Verizon and AT&T in prorating early termination fees. Not wanting to be the last one again, Sprint became the first of the big four to offer an unlimited access plan for $119. Like sheep, the other carriers followed suit, and today all-you-can-eat mobile in the $100 range is a given. It is rumored that Sprint will be reducing the price on it’s unlimited plan in response. America is ready; bring on the price war!
Meanwhile, the FCC’s 700MHz wireless spectrum auction is silently chugging away, determining whether or not a new nationwide mobile carrier will come into being in the airwaves previously occupied by analog television broadcasts. At the very least, however, the new nationwide block of licenses carries some of Google’s suggested stipulations requiring the network be open. Locked handsets and forced use of vendor-branded applications may soon be a thing of the past as well.
All this hot mobile action has even caught NASA’s attention. The space agency has decided to join the cellphone party and announced they are building a mobile phone network on the moon. That’s right, on the moon. But don’t worry, England is helping us to create this system, which their director of space science describes as being comparable to the “satellite phone network of the 1980s and 1990s on earth”. That’s quality tax dollars at work, right there. Seriously, what’s going on? Were you all too busy preparing for tonight’s lunar eclipse when you made that decision? Almost as hilarious is the fact that one of the goals of the network is to ensure a full four-bar signal for lunar colonists living in the base NASA wants to build at the south pole of the moon after 2020. It all makes so much sense now. No wonders humans aren’t living on the moon — it’s because there has been no cell phone service! Build a cellphone tower and we’ll be living on Mars before you know it. I wonder how much we’d have to bribe Finland to get them to launch one of their SMS-operated toilets into orbit. Oh, the possibilities!
Have you ever noticed the horrible… something that is behind our member of Congress when they give speeches and holding hearings? How can we take their banal time-wasting seriously? Seriously, though, why is Congress wasting their time with this steroids issue? More importantly, why is the news media actually covering it? What if there was real news happening — you know, like a major credit crisis (act now and get a bonus economic recession absolutely free!), the beginning of the end of Internet neutrality, or a college campus shooting?