We begin with watersweeper.com. If you think it’s simply too difficult sweep the dust off your sidewalk with an ordinary broom and pick up trash by hand, you can purchase this sprinkler-on-wheels for only $179. It’s sold as a “quick & easy” way to clean pavement and “blasts away dirt, … litter, [and] pop cans” using a constant flow of pressurized water. Since it only uses 8 gallons of water per minute, “it saves you money”. The idea to waste water on cleaning sidewalk comes to you not from the “Land of 10,000 Lakes” but  from the dry desert state of Utah, where it costs $1.00 to use this device to spray water for 21 hours (10,080 gallons).

At least there’s not a  world water crisis going on, and good thing they didn’t make a documentary film called FLOW discussing the world water crisis.

• You remove the AIG name and logo from your office buildings.
• Your CEO publicly admits that “the AIG name is so thoroughly wounded and disgraced that we’re probably going to have to change it”.
• You send memos to your employees telling them not to wear anything with AIG name to avoid being killed by the public mobs. “If you think you are being followed, immediately dial 911!”
• Your mismanagement has prompted Congress to tell AIG executives to kill themselves and attempt to apply a 90% tax to AIG bonuses.
• Your web site’s most prominent feature is a button bragging about how you are “Protecting customers, repaying taxpayers”.
• Your employees have e-mail addresses that read aloud as “a-i-gag.com” (alright, so the last one has nothing to do with the bailout, but I accidentally discovered this hilarious pronunciation of one of the company’s domain names when a client called technical support last week)

All-American Potato Finishers (“Great on baked and mashed potatoes!”). This is exactly what America needs. How have we been eating potatoes for all these years without this product? Basically, it is a bag containing cheese sauce, shredded cheese, and bacon bits. It’s not like you could buy cheese sauce, shredded cheese, and bacon bits in already-prepared, individual packages and then apply all three items to a potato separately. Moreover, it’s not like you could buy a chunk of cheese and shred it yourself, or buy packaged bacon and cook it yourself. The fact that the main ingredient is missing from the product should be your cue to run in the other direction. If that’s not enough of a hint, seeing that the widely-publicized coupon allows the “savvy” shopper to “save” $1 on this item, the price should scare off the rest of you; I’d guess $3 – $4.

Perhaps even more disconcerting than the Potato Finishers themselves is the fact that a Google search for “potato finishers” returns eBay auctions for the very coupon to which I earlier referred as the first result. It’s not enough that our planet is littered with this coupon in who knows how many newspapers across the country; people are now selling this same coupon for actual money. There are presently 8997 food coupons listed on eBay. You probably had no idea that there is such brisk trade in food coupons happening right under your nose. Is there really a market for mass quantities of useless food coupons? I am also unsettled by the fact that a single product line now merits its own domain registration (thank goodness sargentofinishers.com was available, imagine the horror if terrorists had snatched up the domain and our All-American Potato Finishers couldn’t have their own website) and web design efforts. As the nutritional information and even the list of ingredients is conveniently absent from this special website (it’s a food product, what else could the website legitimately have?), what does appear on the site is laughable. I’m not sure I’d agree that pictures of fake cheese mixtures on top of various degrees of fried potatoes qualifies as “exciting serving suggestions”. Not to be outdone, the hidden nutrition facts are equally bothersome: 1/4 of the small pouch is considered a single serving and has 23% of your daily saturated fat intake and 25% of your daily sodium. Ah, America owes you a vote of thanks, Potato Finishers.

Alan Peterson, Incident Management team leader for the Utah Department of Transportation, has been assisting drivers who have pushed their fuel tanks too far and run out of gasoline. In 2007 the team gave out about 721 gallons of gasoline to stranded people. This year so far, they have already given out about 524 gallons. [...] Last month, the team helped 150 motorists refuel.

If the end of the year sees double the current amount, that equates to 3 gallons of free gas every day. At the current price of $4.15/gallon, Utahns are [collectively] paying $12.45 every day because of a growing number of idiots (as of last month, we’re now up to 5 per day!) who disregard their fuel gauges. Is it really that hard to put gas in a car? Even using the lower 2007 numbers, 721 gallons divided by 52 weeks is 14 gallons/week. Let’s hear that again with gusto: The government is handing out a full tank of gas every week! My car doesn’t even hold 14 gallons, but I’d still like to know how to submit my name into the drawing.

While the theory that fewer parking spaces make people more inclined to walk or use other forms of transportation may sound good, eradicating parking does not actually accomplish this. There are still just as many or more cars today than there were yesterday, so there is just as much or need for parking. If people have been ingenious enough to create parking spaces from the unused space in the planter strip — keeping their cars off the road and leaving more land available for other purposes — it follows that the city should be singing their praises. It doesn’t follow that “if everybody pays, everybody wins”. Maybe it’s just me, but I think I have a different definition of “winning”.

The Defense Department mistakenly shipped secret nuclear missile fuses to Taiwan more than 18 months ago and did not learn that the items were missing until late last week [...]

Officials with the Defense Logistics Agency (DLA) sent four nose-cone fuse assemblies to Taiwan in August 2006 instead of four replacement battery packs for use in Taiwan’s fleet of UH-1 Huey helicopters. [...] It was unclear yesterday how the two very different items were mixed up at a warehouse at Hill Air Force Base in Utah.

Utah for the win! Seriously, how do you mix up batteries and nuclear weapon parts? One has dimensions comparable to a breadbox and the other is the size of my under-counter refrigerator. Come on, people!

Let’s say you are a Netflix member whose billing date is at the beginning of the month. You are about to go on a two-week vacation, so you place your account on hold today and set the service to resume in two week. You’ve already paid for movies for the two weeks of your vacation, but, by placing your account hold, have elected to stop their delivery. In order to actually give you what you’ve already paid for, Netflix should move your billing date two weeks ahead to make up for the time that you will not be receiving movies. Netflix doesn’t do this. Unless your billing date is during your vacation, you gain nothing. The worst part is that you actually increase your risk of financial liabilities for the zero benefit you receive: Your account will be charged $20 per disc for any movies that aren’t received by Netflix within seven days of placing your account on hold. So basically, if you try to be an organized person and place you account on hold but then forget to mail those three discs back before you go on vacation, you’ve just given Netflix $60 for absolutely nothing.

I telephoned Netflix customer service to verify I correctly understood the account hold policy, which I did. Confronted with this information, the representative couldn’t tell me why I would want to place my account on hold.

SAFE COMMUNITIES
Utah Republicans: Leadership that Delivers (… in bed)

What is this, communist China? I don’t think it’s appropriate to find this message inside of a fortune cookie anywhere, let alone one on campus. We can’t even enjoy our food in peace anymore. Politics have gone so far as to invade even our desserts! Is there nowhere safe from their unrelenting, tireless grip?

In the much kinder words of the Washington Post, “Mulholland Drive is an extended mood opera, if you want to put an arty label on incoherence.” The [continued] existence of this film is evidence that there can be no God, for no all-powerful being would allow anyone to be subjected to such an atrocity.

We arrived at 9:42 pm, and there were already people dejectedly returning to the parking lot informing us that the restaurant was closed. Closed? We couldn’t believe it. The restaurant is open until 10 pm every other weekday, and the free pancake promotion specifically says that it is valid until that time. Closing at twenty to ten when your sign clearly says you are open until ten can’t be good. It causes people like me to hate you with a passion. It also causes you to receive angry letters. Don’t do it, IHOP.

Dear Military Personnel,

Beginning October 1, 2007, we will no longer be able to serve military personnel or their spouses and dependents who seek short-term loans, commmonly referred to as payday loans. The Department of Defence Military Lending Act, which takes effect that day, requires such loans to be granted at 36% APR. We regret that our Company simply cannot offer a product at that rate restriction.

At a 36% APR, the total fee charged on a $100, two-week advance would be $1.38. We cannot cover the cost of originating a loan, let alone meet employee payroll and benefits and other fixed business expenses, at this rate.

When they can make loans to other customers at over 1140%, it’s no wonder they are refusing a paltry 36%. It’s just not profitable.

Seriously, though. Stay away from payday loans, kids.

Wal-Mart has announced it will have its Black Friday “day after Thanksgiving” sales this Friday, November 2. A company press release issued on Halloween, October 31, 2007, at 6:55 AM MDT begins:

The nation’s largest retailer officially kicks off the Christmas season today by granting a valuable holiday wish to its customers — savings on the gifts they want to give.

Today? Look everybody, Halloween is the official start of the Christmas season now! The press release continues:

In-store, the experience for Wal-Mart shoppers will be fittingly festive. Christmas Shops offering holiday decor and gifts and onsite product demonstrations open this weekend. And, for the first time ever, Santa will visit all Wal-Mart Supercenters and discount stores. [...] The retailer will also literally wrap several stores across the nation in festive holiday style including 10 x 3.5 -foot bows to brighten the buildings.

Uhm, what? My Black Friday “day after Thanksgiving” “three days after Halloween” sales come with a Christmas shopping experience? A Santa line at Wal-Mart? Wrapping entire buildings with wrapping paper look-alike?

The sales were announced early Thursday morning (it is already Thursday in EDT) and are now online at http://www.walmart.com/secret. While I’m always up for a sale, I don’t really want to be shopping in a Christmas “experience” two months before the holiday.