• You remove the AIG name and logo from your office buildings.
• Your CEO publicly admits that “the AIG name is so thoroughly wounded and disgraced that we’re probably going to have to change it”.
• You send memos to your employees telling them not to wear anything with AIG name to avoid being killed by the public mobs. “If you think you are being followed, immediately dial 911!”
• Your mismanagement has prompted Congress to tell AIG executives to kill themselves and attempt to apply a 90% tax to AIG bonuses.
• Your web site’s most prominent feature is a button bragging about how you are “Protecting customers, repaying taxpayers”.
• Your employees have e-mail addresses that read aloud as “a-i-gag.com” (alright, so the last one has nothing to do with the bailout, but I accidentally discovered this hilarious pronunciation of one of the company’s domain names when a client called technical support last week)

Alan Peterson, Incident Management team leader for the Utah Department of Transportation, has been assisting drivers who have pushed their fuel tanks too far and run out of gasoline. In 2007 the team gave out about 721 gallons of gasoline to stranded people. This year so far, they have already given out about 524 gallons. [...] Last month, the team helped 150 motorists refuel.

If the end of the year sees double the current amount, that equates to 3 gallons of free gas every day. At the current price of $4.15/gallon, Utahns are [collectively] paying $12.45 every day because of a growing number of idiots (as of last month, we’re now up to 5 per day!) who disregard their fuel gauges. Is it really that hard to put gas in a car? Even using the lower 2007 numbers, 721 gallons divided by 52 weeks is 14 gallons/week. Let’s hear that again with gusto: The government is handing out a full tank of gas every week! My car doesn’t even hold 14 gallons, but I’d still like to know how to submit my name into the drawing.

While the theory that fewer parking spaces make people more inclined to walk or use other forms of transportation may sound good, eradicating parking does not actually accomplish this. There are still just as many or more cars today than there were yesterday, so there is just as much or need for parking. If people have been ingenious enough to create parking spaces from the unused space in the planter strip — keeping their cars off the road and leaving more land available for other purposes — it follows that the city should be singing their praises. It doesn’t follow that “if everybody pays, everybody wins”. Maybe it’s just me, but I think I have a different definition of “winning”.

The Defense Department mistakenly shipped secret nuclear missile fuses to Taiwan more than 18 months ago and did not learn that the items were missing until late last week [...]

Officials with the Defense Logistics Agency (DLA) sent four nose-cone fuse assemblies to Taiwan in August 2006 instead of four replacement battery packs for use in Taiwan’s fleet of UH-1 Huey helicopters. [...] It was unclear yesterday how the two very different items were mixed up at a warehouse at Hill Air Force Base in Utah.

Utah for the win! Seriously, how do you mix up batteries and nuclear weapon parts? One has dimensions comparable to a breadbox and the other is the size of my under-counter refrigerator. Come on, people!

The FBI has recently adopted a novel investigative technique: posting hyperlinks that purport to be illegal videos of minors having sex, and then raiding the homes of anyone willing to click on them. [...]

Federal agents knocked on the door around 7 a.m., falsely claiming they wanted to talk to Vosburgh about his car. Once he opened the door, they threw him to the ground outside his house and handcuffed him.

It’s been quite a frightening week, but this is still the scariest thing I’ve read in a while. It’s more upsetting than knowing thieves can hack RFID credit cards for $8. It’s more distressing than Verizon giving the government direct access to all customer’s mobile voice calls, text messages, and physical location data. It’s even worse than Comcast being able to watch you through cameras they’re putting into their cable boxes. Why? Precedent is so important, and given that the government doesn’t even understand what the Internet is, they are in absolutely no position to be criminalizing it. I’m not defending child pornography, but the Internet browsing I do in my own home is absolutely none of the FBI’s business. Clicking on a hyperlink should never be considered a crime, and it should never cause authority figures to show up at your door, grab you, throw you in a van, and haul you off to jail… or worse. What’s to stop them from extending the illegal hyperlinks baiting beyond porn?

I’m so glad that the government will be able to pair this technique with the Patriot Act to keep America safe from all those ordinary people terrorists searching the Internets for “weapons” and “drugs” (nevermind they were actually looking for “history of Japanese weapons” and “cancer drugs and treatment options”). Of course, the private sector and their lobbying showboat wouldn’t miss the party, either; nothing would please the RIAA or MPAA more than having armed officers dispatched to your door for attempting to download music or movies online. Ah, freedom! Don’t you feel better already?

Anyway… In November, T-Mobile and Sprint announced plans to join Verizon and AT&T in prorating early termination fees. Not wanting to be the last one again, Sprint became the first of the big four to offer an unlimited access plan for $119. Like sheep, the other carriers followed suit, and today all-you-can-eat mobile in the $100 range is a given. It is rumored that Sprint will be reducing the price on it’s unlimited plan in response. America is ready; bring on the price war!

Meanwhile, the FCC’s 700MHz wireless spectrum auction is silently chugging away, determining whether or not a new nationwide mobile carrier will come into being in the airwaves previously occupied by analog television broadcasts. At the very least, however, the new nationwide block of licenses carries some of Google’s suggested stipulations requiring the network be open. Locked handsets and forced use of vendor-branded applications may soon be a thing of the past as well.

All this hot mobile action has even caught NASA’s attention. The space agency has decided to join the cellphone party and announced they are building a mobile phone network on the moon. That’s right, on the moon. But don’t worry, England is helping us to create this system, which their director of space science describes as being comparable to the “satellite phone network of the 1980s and 1990s on earth”. That’s quality tax dollars at work, right there. Seriously, what’s going on? Were you all too busy preparing for tonight’s lunar eclipse when you made that decision? Almost as hilarious is the fact that one of the goals of the network is to ensure a full four-bar signal for lunar colonists living in the base NASA wants to build at the south pole of the moon after 2020. It all makes so much sense now. No wonders humans aren’t living on the moon — it’s because there has been no cell phone service! Build a cellphone tower and we’ll be living on Mars before you know it. I wonder how much we’d have to bribe Finland to get them to launch one of their SMS-operated toilets into orbit. Oh, the possibilities!

Wal-Mart has announced it will have its Black Friday “day after Thanksgiving” sales this Friday, November 2. A company press release issued on Halloween, October 31, 2007, at 6:55 AM MDT begins:

The nation’s largest retailer officially kicks off the Christmas season today by granting a valuable holiday wish to its customers — savings on the gifts they want to give.

Today? Look everybody, Halloween is the official start of the Christmas season now! The press release continues:

In-store, the experience for Wal-Mart shoppers will be fittingly festive. Christmas Shops offering holiday decor and gifts and onsite product demonstrations open this weekend. And, for the first time ever, Santa will visit all Wal-Mart Supercenters and discount stores. [...] The retailer will also literally wrap several stores across the nation in festive holiday style including 10 x 3.5 -foot bows to brighten the buildings.

Uhm, what? My Black Friday “day after Thanksgiving” “three days after Halloween” sales come with a Christmas shopping experience? A Santa line at Wal-Mart? Wrapping entire buildings with wrapping paper look-alike?

The sales were announced early Thursday morning (it is already Thursday in EDT) and are now online at http://www.walmart.com/secret. While I’m always up for a sale, I don’t really want to be shopping in a Christmas “experience” two months before the holiday.