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Analytics For May 2009

Nick — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 17:27:58 +0000

I always laugh when the monthly Google Analytics report arrives in my inbox. This month’s gem was someone landing on my site by searching for “what type of link, can i use to get all the 2009 current email addressess at yahoomail.com,gmail.com, hotmail.com mail.ru of all the men in russian”

Other than that odditity, all is quite on the western front. The top posts are:

Real Fruit From Real People

Nick — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 07:38:00 +0000

I am becoming increasingly concerned with the Real Fruit From Real People slogan adorning each additional bottle of Tree Top apple juice that I consume. The superior taste of Tree Top as compared to the store brand apple juice makes me wonder if I should be paying attention to the writing on the wall bottle. What does this slogan even mean?

According to the company responsible for this mistake, this “refreshed identity … reinforc[es] the Tree Top brand promise” (a real person in every sip?) and “connects with the underlying motivation of target consumers” (to disintegrate others in a large and powerful blender?). At last the truth comes out: Cannibals, not families with small children, are the target market for 100% juice drinks!

Get Real

Nick — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 09:49:00 +0000

I feel compelled to write something about the passing of my friend David Heiner. I want to say how his passing pulled at my soul. I want to say how I lied in bed for two days straight, unable to even get up or understand the world anymore. I want to say how it has turned me into a better, more aware person. The fact is, however, that I was not close to David. I can count the number of times I saw him on one hand. I never had the chance — rather, I never took the chance — to truly meet and get to know him.

David Heiner is the third David to have altered the course of my life. How many more Davids will I have to endure to escape from my world of deception and lies? I want to scream and cry and stand aside all at once. I want to stab myself to attack the jealousy and laziness within me, yet protect myself from all harm to stand strong forever against the taboos of our social world that I want so badly to correct. I want to run headlong into the fog that is stubbornness and melt it away like the rising sun. I want to stop the flood of fleeting, contradictory emotions. I want to reach out and touch someone and have them hold me tightly against their chest and tell me everything will be alright. I want the insomniac battle to end and I want to wake up to a new, victorious dawn. I want to tell the truth and I want to be accepted for it.

This time, a David has changed my life for the better. He is my catalyst. It is not because we were so close, but precisely because we were so distant. He has made me realize that there must be countless people that I have let slip through my life; friendships I let pass by. It also has made me aware of the friendships I currently have and how they may be slowly slipping away. I have a handful of great friends who truly care about me — even though I have not always realized this or treated them with the same level of respect. I am a hypocrit for looking around at my friends and showing anger at how they never call me up or take an interest in my life, yet I, too, sit idly by without reaching out to any of them. I know it will be a gradual process, but I hope to now turn over a new leaf and start to become a better person.

I Would Like Some Justice NOW Please

Nick — Thu, 29 May 2008 06:13:00 +0000

Why do people ask pointless questions? Asking for permission to borrow things is usually pointless; I would call it laughable if this annoyance weren’t so frequent. Since most requests are non-destructive, it doesn’t really make sense to tell someone no when they ask to use something like scissors or a blender. As long as the person borrowing the item returns it in the same condition, why not? This makes asking pointless. The whole idea is undermined, however, by the people who don’t ask and don’t return. These are the people on my hit list because not only do they take your things, they also force us otherwise normal people to ask for unneeded permission. In other words, the kind of people who would steal your blender out from under you aren’t going to ask permission in the first place, so you won’t have the chance to tell them no, while the people that are thoughtful enough to ask are also going to be thoughtful enough to hand you back a clean blender when they’re finished, so there’s no reason to deny them from doing so, yet it is still socially necessary to ask so that you are not assumed to be in the despicable first group. So long as I live I shall fight this injustice; I do not ask for pointless permission, but of course I return borrowed items in their original condition.

Everybody Wins

Nick — Mon, 12 May 2008 05:26:00 +0000

Although it may be a noble goal in their minds, I’m not sure why it is necessary for a city to spend so much of their time continually eliminating parking spaces. Aren’t there bigger actual problems to deal with?

While the theory that fewer parking spaces make people more inclined to walk or use other forms of transportation may sound good, eradicating parking does not actually accomplish this. There are still just as many or more cars today than there were yesterday, so there is just as much or need for parking. If people have been ingenious enough to create parking spaces from the unused space in the planter strip — keeping their cars off the road and leaving more land available for other purposes — it follows that the city should be singing their praises. It doesn’t follow that “if everybody pays, everybody wins”. Maybe it’s just me, but I think I have a different definition of “winning”.

Fat America, Meet Web 2.0

Nick — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 07:43:00 +0000

What is the world coming to? Does anyone else find the idea of a calorie-counting Firefox extension as hypocritical as it is undeniably disturbing?

Confucius Says: Vote Republican

Nick — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 02:54:00 +0000

Last night at dinner, I reached for a fortune cookie (like I frequently do) and found a most disturbing surprise within:

SAFE COMMUNITIES
Utah Republicans: Leadership that Delivers (… in bed)

What is this, communist China? I don’t think it’s appropriate to find this message inside of a fortune cookie anywhere, let alone one on campus. We can’t even enjoy our food in peace anymore. Politics have gone so far as to invade even our desserts! Is there nowhere safe from their unrelenting, tireless grip?

“You Owe Us A Life!”

Nick — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 06:44:00 +0000

While the title of this post is in reference to the excellent Chinese film To Live, it is really more applicable to the entire “movie” that is called Mulholland Drive. This monstrosity was the absolute worst “movie” I’ve ever seen, bar none (and yes, it even beat out Cast Away). There was absolutely no plot; a completely random scene will suddenly be inserted for the sole purpose of introducing a new character, but then we will never see or hear from the character again. The entire “film” was just the director’s personal acid trip and made absolutely no sense. Although David Lynch was the director, we cannot forget the countless others who signed off on this project and allowed this “film” to be made. Mulholland Drive, you owe me two and a half hours of my life back!

In the much kinder words of the Washington Post, “Mulholland Drive is an extended mood opera, if you want to put an arty label on incoherence.” The [continued] existence of this film is evidence that there can be no God, for no all-powerful being would allow anyone to be subjected to such an atrocity.