quietmint

Just Add Potato

2008-07-28T02:07:00.001-06:00

I was recently taken to a new low looking through this weekend's newspaper. I am now the shamed owner of a coupon for a product called Potato Finishers.

All-American Potato Finishers ("Great on baked and mashed potatoes!"). This is exactly what America needs. How have we been eating potatoes for all these years without this product? Basically, it is a bag containing cheese sauce, shredded cheese, and bacon bits. It's not like you could buy cheese sauce, shredded cheese, and bacon bits in already-prepared, individual packages and then apply all three items to a potato separately. Moreover, it's not like you could buy a chunk of cheese and shred it yourself, or buy packaged bacon and cook it yourself. The fact that the main ingredient is missing from the product should be your cue to run in the other direction. If that's not enough of a hint, seeing that the widely-publicized coupon allows the "savvy" shopper to "save" $1 on this item, the price should scare off the rest of you; I'd guess $3 - $4.

Perhaps even more disconcerting than the Potato Finishers themselves is the fact that a Google search for "potato finishers" returns eBay auctions for the very coupon to which I earlier referred as the first result. It's not enough that our planet is littered with this coupon in who knows how many newspapers across the country; people are now selling this same coupon for actual money. There are presently 8997 food coupons listed on eBay. You probably had no idea that there is such brisk trade in food coupons happening right under your nose. Is there really a market for mass quantites of useless food coupons? I am also unsettled by the fact that a single product line now merits its own domain registration (thank goodness sargentofinishers.com was available, imagine the horror if terrorists had snatched up the domain and our All-American Potato Finishers couldn't have their own website) and web design efforts. As the nutritional information and even the list of ingredients is conveniently absent from this special website (it's a food product, what else could the website legitimately have?), what does appear on the site is laughable. I'm not sure I'd agree that pictures of fake cheese mixtures on top of various degrees of fried potatoes qualifies as "exciting serving suggestions". Not to be outdone, the hidden nutrition facts are equally bothersome: 1/4 of the small pouch is considered a single serving and has 23% of your daily saturated fat intake and 25% of your daily sodium. Ah, America owes you a vote of thanks, Potato Finishers.

Who Need Socialized Medicine When We Have Socialized Oil?

2008-07-15T00:43:00.001-06:00

It has never occurred to me that I could call the government if I were to run out of gas.

Alan Peterson, Incident Management team leader for the Utah Department of Transportation, has been assisting drivers who have pushed their fuel tanks too far and run out of gasoline. In 2007 the team gave out about 721 gallons of gasoline to stranded people. This year so far, they have already given out about 524 gallons. [...] Last month, the team helped 150 motorists refuel.

If the end of the year sees double the current amount, that equates to 3 gallons of free gas every day. At the current price of $4.15/gallon, Utahns are [collectively] paying $12.45 every day because of a growing number of idiots (as of last month, we're now up to 5 per day!) who disregard their fuel gauges. Is it really that hard to put gas in a car? Even using the lower 2007 numbers, 721 gallons divided by 52 weeks is 14 gallons/week. Let's hear that again with gusto: The government is handing out a full tank of gas every week! My car doesn't even hold 14 gallons, but I'd still like to know how to submit my name into the drawing. ;-)

I Would Like Some Justice NOW Please

2008-05-29T00:13:00.007-06:00

Why do people ask pointless questions? Asking for permission to borrow things is usually pointless; I would call it laughable if this annoyance weren't so frequent. Since most requests are non-destructive, it doesn't really make sense to tell someone no when they ask to use something like scissors or a blender. As long as the person borrowing the item returns it in the same condition, why not? This makes asking pointless. The whole idea is undermined, however, by the people who don't ask and don't return. These are the people on my hit list because not only do they take your things, they also force us otherwise normal people to ask for unneeded permission. In other words, the kind of people who would steal your blender out from under you aren't going to ask permission in the first place, so you won't have the chance to tell them no, while the people that are thoughtful enough to ask are also going to be thoughtful enough to hand you back a clean blender when they're finished, so there's no reason to deny them from doing so, yet it is still socially necessary to ask so that you are not assumed to be in the despicable first group. So long as I live I shall fight this injustice; I do not ask for pointless permission, but of course I return borrowed items in their original condition.

Everybody Wins

2008-05-11T23:26:00.005-06:00

Although it may be a noble goal in their minds, I'm not sure why it is necessary for a city to spend so much of their time continually eliminating parking spaces. Aren't there ~~bigger~~ actual problems to deal with?

While the theory that fewer parking spaces make people more inclined to walk or use other forms of transportation may sound good, eradicating parking does not actually accomplish this. There are still just as many or more cars today than there were yesterday, so there is just as much or need for parking. If people have been ingenious enough to create parking spaces from the unused space in the planter strip -- keeping their cars off the road and leaving more land available for other purposes -- it follows that the city should be singing their praises. It doesn't follow that "if everybody pays, everybody wins". Maybe it's just me, but I think I have a different definition of "winning".

Frozen Bananas

2008-04-10T21:34:00.004-06:00

There are a few products in the marketplace that invoke a bizarre, nauseating reflex upon contact with our brains. These products, such as frozen bananas, are incredibly puzzling as the more they are contemplated, the more it becomes clear that their existence must solely be to invoke this bizarre, nauseating reaction. Why else could frozen bananas exist? Who could possibly be benefiting from crystallized precut chunks of curved yellow fruit? Worse still, who are the people being suckered into buying these bags of prepeeled, presliced, flash-frozen bananas? With fresh bananas readily available in all parts of the country and selling at retail for less than $0.39/lb., an amazing amount of labor in peeling bananas would be required before prepared frozen bananas would even remotely make economic sense. Has our society really deteriorated so much that we no longer have the time or patience to "pull tab here" on fresh bananas?

Utah For The Win!

2008-03-26T16:21:00.001-06:00

The Defense Department mistakenly shipped secret nuclear missile fuses to Taiwan more than 18 months ago and did not learn that the items were missing until late last week [...]

Officials with the Defense Logistics Agency (DLA) sent four nose-cone fuse assemblies to Taiwan in August 2006 instead of four replacement battery packs for use in Taiwan's fleet of UH-1 Huey helicopters. [...] It was unclear yesterday how the two very different items were mixed up at a warehouse at Hill Air Force Base in Utah.

Utah for the win! Seriously, how do you mix up batteries and nuclear weapon parts? One has dimensions comparable to a breadbox and the other is the size of my under-counter refrigerator. Come on, people!

Netflix Account Hold Is A Scam

2008-03-05T20:58:00.007-07:00

Although I'm definitely a fan of the online DVD rental service Netflix, they have again disappointed me today. The website offers the option to put your memership "on hold", which will temporarily stop Netflix from billing and mailing movies to you. On the surface, it looks like Netflix really cares about its customers by offering this extra convenience. From my point of view, however, this is really a selfish policy whose only purpose is to boost the company's bottom line.

Let's say you are a Netflix member whose billing date is at the beginning of the month. You are about to go on a two-week vacation, so you place your account on hold today and set the service to resume in two week. You've already paid for movies for the two weeks of your vacation, but, by placing your account hold, have elected to stop their delivery. In order to actually give you what you've already paid for, Netflix should move your billing date two weeks ahead to make up for the time that you will not be receiving movies. Netflix doesn't do this. Unless your billing date is during your vacation, you gain nothing. The worst part is that you actually increase your risk of financial liabilities for the zero benefit you receive: Your account will be charged $20 per disc for any movies that aren't received by Netflix within seven days of placing your account on hold. So basically, if you try to be an organized person and place you account on hold but then forget to mail those three discs back before you go on vacation, you've just given Netflix $60 for absolutely nothing.

I telephoned Netflix customer service to verify I correctly understood the account hold policy, which I did. Confronted with this information, the representative couldn't tell me why I would want to place my account on hold.

Confucius Says: Vote Republican

2008-02-26T19:54:00.004-07:00

Last night at dinner, I reached for a fortune cookie (like I frequently do) and found a most disturbing surprise within:

SAFE COMMUNITIES
Utah Republicans: Leadership that Delivers (... in bed)

What is this, communist China? I don't think it's appropriate to find this message inside of a fortune cookie anywhere, let alone one on campus. We can't even enjoy our food in peace anymore. Politics have gone so far as to invade even our desserts! Is there nowhere safe from their unrelenting, tireless grip?

"You Owe Us A Life!"

2008-02-19T23:44:00.008-07:00

While the title of this post is in reference to the excellent Chinese film To Live, it is really more applicable to the entire "movie" that is called Mulholland Drive. This monstrosity was the absolute worst "movie" I've ever seen, bar none (and yes, it even beat out Cast Away). There was absolutely no plot; a completely random scene will suddenly be inserted for the sole purpose of introducing a new character, but then we will never see or hear from the character again. The entire "film" was just the director's personal acid trip and made absolutely no sense. Although David Lynch was the director, we cannot forget the countless others who signed off on this project and allowed this "film" to be made. Mulholland Drive, you owe me two and a half hours of my life back!

In the much kinder words of the Washington Post, "Mulholland Drive is an extended mood opera, if you want to put an arty label on incoherence." The [continued] existence of this film is evidence that there can be no God, for no all-powerful being would allow anyone to be subjected to such an atrocity.

No Pancakes For You!

2008-02-12T21:58:00.005-07:00

I hate IHOP! I just tried to go to Free Pancake Day at IHOP and again realized why I have written the restaurant off. They suck at life!

We arrived at 9:42 pm, and there were already people dejectedly returning to the parking lot informing us that the restaurant was closed. Closed? We couldn't believe it. The restaurant is open until 10 pm every other weekday, and the free pancake promotion specifically says that it is valid until that time. Closing at twenty to ten when your sign clearly says you are open until ten can't be good. It causes people like me to hate you with a passion. It also causes you to receive angry letters. Don't do it, IHOP.

Dear Military Personnel

2008-01-21T19:01:00.006-07:00

Poor CashAmerica. Let's feel sorry for them:

Dear Military Personnel,

Beginning October 1, 2007, we will no longer be able to serve military personnel or their spouses and dependents who seek short-term loans, commmonly referred to as payday loans. The Department of Defence Military Lending Act, which takes effect that day, requires such loans to be granted at 36% APR. We regret that our Company simply cannot offer a product at that rate restriction.

At a 36% APR, the total fee charged on a $100, two-week advance would be $1.38. We cannot cover the cost of originating a loan, let alone meet employee payroll and benefits and other fixed business expenses, at this rate.

When they can make loans to other customers at over 1140%, it's no wonder they are refusing a paltry 36%. It's just not profitable.

Seriously, though. Stay away from payday loans, kids.

Oct 31 6:55 AM is now the official start of the Christmas season

2007-10-31T22:21:00.004-06:00

Wal-Mart has decided to move the date of Black Friday, just like the government decided to move the date of Daylight Saving Time. Apparently I need to get a more important job so that I, too, can play with the calendar.

Wal-Mart has announced it will have its Black Friday "day after Thanksgiving" sales this Friday, November 2. A company press release issued on Halloween, October 31, 2007, at 6:55 AM MDT begins:

The nation's largest retailer officially kicks off the Christmas season today by granting a valuable holiday wish to its customers -- savings on the gifts they want to give.

Today? Look everybody, Halloween is the official start of the Christmas season now!

Later in the press release:

In-store, the experience for Wal-Mart shoppers will be fittingly festive. Christmas Shops offering holiday decor and gifts and onsite product demonstrations open this weekend. And, for the first time ever, Santa will visit all Wal-Mart Supercenters and discount stores. [...] The retailer will also literally wrap several stores across the nation in festive holiday style including 10 x 3.5 -foot bows to brighten the buildings.

Uhm, what? My Black Friday ~~"day after Thanksgiving"~~ "three days after Halloween" sales come with a Christmas shopping experience? A Santa line at Wal-Mart? Wrapping entire buildings with wrapping paper look-alike?

The sales were announced early Thursday morning (it is already Thursday in EDT) and are now online at http://www.walmart.com/secret. While I'm always up for a sale (one item being offered is an Acer laptop with 1 GB of memory for $348), I don't really want to be shopping in a Christmas "experience" two months before the holiday.