Outside of chronic degenerative diseases, the top cause of our demise has long been accidental death. This broad category of mortality – which includes much more than simply dying from falling into a ravine or meat grinder – is often taken for granted, yet it is one of our country's most important strengths. You may be tempted to accept that 4.8% of fatalities in the United States being attributed to unintentional causes is adequate. After all, accidents are already the fifth-largest cause of death, second only to heart disease, cancer, stroke, and respiratory disease. I, however, know that we can do better. Although we are off to a great start, much remains to be done if our nation is to remain a viable world superpower and truly progress in the future. Unless we commit right now and adopt the "I don't think, therefore I am not" attitude, our once-great nation will swiftly fail.
The leader of our nation has a direct impact on mortality rates. As the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) statistics clearly show, the accidental death rate drastically declined under the Clinton administration. Thankfully, the downward trend reversed in 2001 when President George W. Bush first took office, and, by the beginning of his second term, Bush had single-handedly raised the rate of unintended deaths back to the acceptable pre-Clinton levels America was accustomed to. Although the CDC has not yet released data for the most recent years, I am confident that the latest term of the Bush administration has brought us unprecedented levels of accident mortality we never thought possible. Continuing this work and ensuring America's place as one of the greatest nations in the world will require a continuation of our incredible leadership.
We must act with urgency to ensure our future. With the next Presidential election just days away, Americans need to step up to the challenge of putting someone in power who shares our like-minded vision of increasing the unintentional death rate exponentially. By electing John McCain, the candidate who announced to over 56.5 million television viewers that "we have to make health care avoidable", we can accomplish just this. Although his campaign will maintain that the elderly man simply misspoke during the final presidential debate, his "accidental" idea to abolish the medical system and get rid of health care altogether is perfectly in line with what today's voters want from the next leader of the country. Without the worry of hospitals, doctors, medical bills, or insurance companies, the public will be encouraged to live up to their full potential and try never-before-seen stunts. The Republican party's prescription of ex ante moral hazard, causing people to reduce or completely abandon self-protective activities, is a theory well established by the world's top economists and precisely what America needs. As an added benefit, the shock value that comes from hearing about a McCain-Palin win will be enough to at least triple the accidental death rate during the month of November and jump-start the new administration's progress.
With a completely new Commander-in-Chief, it will be our civil duty to bring the troops in the Middle East home safely as soon as possible. Our government is paying the country's bravest men and women to be shot, bombed, tortured, and otherwise killed by radical Islamic terrorists, yet their deaths are only counting as mere "acts of war", not as accidents. Many of the family members left behind, anxiously awaiting the return of their loved ones in body bags, seriously consider committing suicide. This, also, is deeply saddening because purposefully killing oneself does not increase America's number of accidental deaths in the slightest. Instead of sending our most daring and rambunctious citizens off to a foreign land, we should be spending that money subsidizing their continued presence here at home through copious donations of trampolines, Jet Skis, and once-in-a-lifetime skydiving lessons. Hiding in army bunkers and protecting exploding mosques cannot rival the resulting spikes in unintended fatalities from jumping into a power line, flying headlong into a riverbed, and falling from the sky due to failed parachutes.
While these proposed temporary measures are essential, sustainable growth in accidental death rates will require a fundamental economic policy shift. Our financial markets are in the midst of the worst credit crisis in recent history, scaring away many American investors. As these old rich white men have begun fleeing to Europe and Asia with their money, one can only imagine how low the number of fatal high-speed Lamborghini chases on US roadways must have already plummeted. The problem is only further exaggerated by the fact that men account for 69% of all unintentional deaths, and people aged 65 and older have an accident mortality rate almost four times higher than average. It is clear that electing John McCain president, with his lengthy experience as a senior, will be vital in enacting the social security and other economic reforms necessary to reverse this trend and bring the elderly Caucasians – and their capital – back to our financial markets.
The government must also examine the fiscal policies of foreign powers. Thankfully for America, vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has been watching "as [Vladimir] Putin rears his head and comes into ... Alaska". By applying her extensive knowledge of foreign policy to the current financial crisis in the United States as well as duplicating the policies of neighboring Russia's economy, which has fallen over 60% since May and nearly halted as of late due to heavy reliance on foreigners for all long-term financing, Palin will also be a key player in permanently reshaping our economy.
Our task at hand is monumental. Increasing the rate at which people are unintentionally maimed each year will require us all to work together. As a resident of the great state of Utah, I am proud to be represented by someone who understands the importance of this campaign. While some would have been concerned to see their state senator set aside the needs and concerns of his constituents, I know that the weeks Orrin Hatch spent composing an original song in support of John McCain's election will be paying off for years to come. We must set aside our differences and – whether black or white, gay or straight, Republican or Democrat – vote for John McCain and Sarah Palin. As much of our country's history demonstrates, united, America can achieve anything – even reckless abandon – so "sure as heaven we're gonna win. Start celebrating, now let's begin!".
I am becoming increasingly concerned with the Real Fruit From Real People slogan adorning each additional bottle of Tree Top apple juice that I consume. The superior taste of Tree Top as compared to the store brand apple juice makes me wonder if I should be paying attention to the writing on the 
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