I feel compelled to write something about the passing of my friend David Heiner. I want to say how his passing pulled at my soul. I want to say how I lied in bed for two days straight, unable to even get up or understand the world anymore. I want to say how it has turned me into a better, more aware person. The fact is, however, that I was not close to David. I can count the number of times I saw him on one hand. I never had the chance — rather, I never took the chance — to truly meet and get to know him.
David Heiner is the third David to have altered the course of my life. How many more Davids will I have to endure to escape from my world of deception and lies? I want to scream and cry and stand aside all at once. I want to stab myself to attack the jealousy and laziness within me, yet protect myself from all harm to stand strong forever against the taboos of our social world that I want so badly to correct. I want to run headlong into the fog that is stubbornness and melt it away like the rising sun. I want to stop the flood of fleeting, contradictory emotions. I want to reach out and touch someone and have them hold me tightly against their chest and tell me everything will be alright. I want the insomniac battle to end and I want to wake up to a new, victorious dawn. I want to tell the truth and I want to be accepted for it.
This time, a David has changed my life for the better. He is my catalyst. It is not because we were so close, but precisely because we were so distant. He has made me realize that there must be countless people that I have let slip through my life; friendships I let pass by. It also has made me aware of the friendships I currently have and how they may be slowly slipping away. I have a handful of great friends who truly care about me — even though I have not always realized this or treated them with the same level of respect. I am a hypocrit for looking around at my friends and showing anger at how they never call me up or take an interest in my life, yet I, too, sit idly by without reaching out to any of them. I know it will be a gradual process, but I hope to now turn over a new leaf and start to become a better person.